When Ya Gotta Go.... Ya Gotta Go!!
Setting: John and Jen are on their way out the door to go to session #3 with their marriage counselor when John begins looking through the magazine stack.
Jen: What are you doing? We’re going to be late!
John: I’m looking for a magazine to read. Have you seen the new ESPN?
Jen: You never read in the car; why do you need one NOW??!
John: I’m not going to read it in the car. I need to use the bathroom before we leave.
Jen: Are you kidding me?!!! Now? You need to go to the bathroom NOW? And why the heck do you always need to have a magazine every time you go?
John: Do I really need to explain that to you? Do you need to know everything, right down to how I prefer to read a magazine while doing my business? Can I not have ANYTHING of my own around here without you having an issue with it? Which rule would you like to apply this time, Honey?
Jen: Don’t ‘Honey’ me. Seriously, I don’t mind you doing your business however you like doing it. Aside from your odd sense of timing, like, right before we’re about to walk out the door, toting a magazine with you just prolongs the process. Hence, it seems like I wait forever and a day for you to come back out!
John: One – you shouldn’t be waiting for me. You should find something else to do than wait because I’m not speeding up my process for you, or anybody else. And two – if you’re telling me that women plan ahead and put pottying into their schedule so that they can get out the door in a timely fashion well, sorry, but guys just don’t work that way. When we’re headed out the door we look for our wallet; we make sure we have our keys; and, at that point, we ask ourselves, “Do I need to go now, or can I wait?” and then the next question would be, “How long will I need to wait? And when we get there is there going to be a magazine available to make me feel as if I’m at home?” So ninety percent of the time I come to the conclusion that it’s best to just empty the tanks before leaving the house. So now you know the process, why don’t you put that into your calendar. I’m going to the bathroom. (John enters the bathroom and ceremoniously closes the door with a flourish)
John: You exaggerate, that was only five man-minutes which, in dog years, are twenty wife-minutes.
Jen (disregarding his sarcasm): First of all, to get back to your earlier remarks, ‘yes’, in most instances I actually DO plan my trips to the bathroom – to the point of reason, of course. And that’s only when I’m able to find a window of opportunity here and there while I’m with the kids. Secondly, should I even fantasize that my visit to the loo lasts longer than three minutes I can be sure as Hell that a certain three-year old would be banging on the door insisting on coming in; which gives me no choice but to do my business with the door wide open, thank you very much. And finally, my beef with the magazine is not that I despise your ability to relax but rather, you’re relaxed to the point that you’re probably all finished doing your thing and yet you’re most likely hung up reading something interesting causing you to stay in the bathroom even longer!
John: You having an opinion as to when and where my body chooses to go is like me asking you “Why do you have to have your period right now? Can’t you just hold it for twenty more minutes?” Maybe you haven’t noticed but men are built differently than women. I don’t have the get-in, get-out mentality that you might have. I like to get in there and not rush the whole process. It’s my preference. If I ever gave you a hard time for taking too long for fixing your face in the morning, you would’ve already thrown a shoe at me. So just let it go and respect my space!
Jen (heading out the door): Are you through yet? Seriously, let’s go, we’re late!! We can talk about this in the car…
John follows behind and immediately starts busting out in laughter as Jen runs back into the house to tinkle.
John: Honey, wait! You forgot the magazine!!
Labels: John and Jenn
posted by Anonymous at 1:02 AM
15 Say it:
You guys are hysterical!
This is yet another point that adds to the fact that Mike and I are the exact opposites of most men and women! But ya see, that's why we fit so well together, cause we're BOTH opposite. So it works.
Mike is on such a schedule with that it's freaky! He has it timed perfectly to fit into his morning routine. I have NO idea how he does that. I go when my body tells me it's time to go. And when I'm home I grab my SODOKU book and hang out a little and do a puzzle or two. It's the only alone time I get most of the time! LOL
I'm with John. Going into the bathroom without a magazine is like going to the bathroom without toilet paper. Sure, it's technically possible, but it just really makes things so much more unpleasant.
Ha! It's called 'potty-training', Jenn. (hehehe) I know, I know. Sometimes my 'schedules' can be a bit freakish but, *shrug* they work for me. I guess my prob is trying to push those same schedules on those around me. Why doesn't anybody else get it?? Just kidding.
And, Eric, no need to egg my hubby on. Alright already, so the man needs his mag - fine. But the buck stops there. If he starts requesting the cable network then I'm gonna have to shoot somebody!
This is the eternal mystery to me. It takes Eric 10 times as long as me to use the bathroom, but yet when you go to a public place, the line for the womens' room is twice as long as the line for the guys' room. I don't get it.
LOL- oh man.. i would totally sit outside the door too. but i would be afraid the fumes would kill me.
Umm, yeah, did I forget to mention that my nose was pinched just BECAUSE of that fact??! Sheesh, the fumes themselves are perfect posting material!!
Jill, cause guys don't do anything but pee in public. They plan it that way.
Instead of a magazine, I brought my laptop.
Well...gotta flush. Later.
I know there's a whole lot more reading going on in there. What gets me is the large pile of reading materials that accumulate. At some point in time (five days later), the Sunday paper just doesn't have anything newsworthy left in it!
Ha! I can so relate to this post.
This could be our house too. If a guy would go to the bathroom without reading material it might not take so long. Because really, there's no good reason to be in there long enough to read an entire magazine. And, if a guy just needs enough time alone to read a magazine, I can think of lots of places that would be a more enjoyable reading environment.
Jenn, I am SO with you. I can be walking out the door- keys in hand- for an appointment (on the extremely rare occassion that I'm not taking with me at least 2 of the 3 kids), the baby will be screaming bloody murder, the two-year old begging for a cup (aka, juice) and Brad will kiss me good-bye and simutaneously grab a magazine and go to the bathroom - shutting the door! HELLOOO? Don't you hear the kids screaming? AND, you're going to leave them unsupervised? (Cause the 2 year old currently likes to sit on her baby-sister, who now puts everything in sight in her mouth.) So, he goes and does his business and I am late to said appointment. Needless to say, our arguments during these times (I wish I could say they were rare) very closely resemble yours -except that I am hardly so forgiving. ;)
I love it. I always have to pee right before we leave and it drives the hubby crazy!
If I know I'm going to be a while, a magazine is the perfect companion. LOL
Okay, all. Have you taken note of just how many 'Jens' have agreed with me on this one? (except for that weird Maniacal Jenn, of course! jk!). Is it me or is there a correlation???
What is it with men and their flippin magazines? Seriously my hubby can't even pee without being in there for an hour. Try and imagine what it's like being pregnant and only having one bathroom.
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