Sex & Priorities

Setting: marriage counseling
Scene from Mr. & Mrs. Smith: cameras open on John and Jen sitting side-by-side on the therapy couch.

Counselor: So what brings you two in today?

Jen: My husband seems to think that our sex life is suffering. But I completely disagree with him.

Counselor: Mm-hmm. How so?

John: We ...don’t ...have ...sex.

(both Jen and the counselor lean in as if expecting him to offer more)

John: I mean, we have sex occasionally when she feels like it. It’s as if she’s holding it hostage and I need to negotiate for time. I feel like I need to earn five gold stars to earn a prize. She is using her powers over when, if, and where we have sex as a tool of training me to be a better husband.

Counselor: I see…

Jen: (exasperated) That is sooo not the case! It’s really about priorities, and getting things done as needed. Not to mention ‘atmosphere’. I need to be able to get into the mood.

John: The only way to get you into the mood is if all the planets were to align, and I passed a thirty-two point inspection in the kitchen. Then, and only then, maybe you’d think about getting in the mood. My point is: it shouldn’t be such a challenge. I have a better chance of having sex if I put it in your calendar. You always need to ‘plan ahead’ for everything. See, I don’t need any planning, I’m like an ambulance driver: On-call, ready to respond at a moment’s notice.

Jen: Well, I’m not the least bit surprised with that. And, yeah, I mean that IS what the calendar was meant for originally. If I can glance at it and see what’s coming up (no pun intended) then maybe I’d be better prepared and able to relax when the actual event were to happen. I can’t just drop what I’m doing and ‘start going at it’ in a moment’s notice. After an entire day playing with the kids, being spit-up on, and having my hair pulled (and spit-up on) I just don’t have the sexual drive or strength to think past getting myself to bed early and having to do it all again the following day. Not to mention all the foreplay I need to even GET me to the point of thinking about sex. Hell, I don’t want to just LIE there!

John: Oh, it’s foreplay you’re worried about? That’s all?! Well, I can do all that stuff – pulling your hair and spitting on you, all while you just lie there, Honey…. That’s what I’m talkin’ about! But seriously, it’s not like we’re dating and I need to impress you. Back then we had time for an hour of foreplay, some soft music, and candles. It was the game of keeping the relationship fresh and exciting; keeping you interested and avoiding routine. Now, our time is limited because the day is spent revolving around our children. So, when we do have a window of opportunity I don’t want to work so hard like we’re dating. I want you to want me as much as I want you. Sometimes I feel like you’re tired of fighting me off so you just give it up to shut me up.

Jen: But see, that’s the entire point: Time. There IS no time for anything BUT taking care of the kids. The moment I wake up in the morning I hit the ground running, and it’s like that the entire day. I’m lucky if I get five minutes to tie my hair back and change out of my pjs! By the end of it all I just don’t have any more of me to give, let alone be sexual.

John: Let me put this into perspective. I’m not saying that everyday I come home from work I need you to meet me at the door ready to give it up. I completely understand that we have priorities which come first. But you can go WEEKS without even initiating it, it’s like a coin flip: when I roll over in bed, put my arm around you and kiss you on the neck, the reaction I get is never predictable. I think most of the time I say to myself “here it comes, she’s gonna tell me she’s too tired, or not in the mood. Or maybe she has just enough energy to spout off a ‘stop it’.” Ouch, rejected again.

Jen: So, that’s your point? That’s the problem, feeling rejected? Really, after all is said and done, when I’ve hung up my ‘mommy-hat’ at the end of the day I need time to slip into the role of hot, sexy wife. You know, brush my hair out, make sure my legs are shaven, that my pedicure is intact; all that girlie stuff, because though it may not matter to you, it matters a whole lot to me. It’s more a state of mind than a physical thing.

John: I understand. But don’t I always tell you how beautiful you are? Ever since we had our first child the everyday responsibilities have changed. It just seems that our opportunities for sex have been so limited that we should take advantage of the small windows of time we DO have to spend with one another. It’s not just about having sex, it’s about feeling close to you.

Jen (looking deeply into John’s eyes): Awww! Honey! I miss you too!

John smiles and reaches out to hold her hand. They kiss passionately before realizing that the counselor is still with them. Immediately they stand and very quickly thank him for all of his help before they nearly run out the door to take advantage of the small window of time together before having to pick the kids up from the babysitter’s.