Who Are You, and What Have You Done with My Wife?

John: There is a thought that two hearts that love one another decide one day that marriage is the beginning of spending the rest of your life together with your best friend. In some cases, a woman will marry a man for his potential of being a great husband (with a bit of training assumed). And in the man's case he marries the woman to either prove to her that he's committed to her and/or basically just wants the good relationship he has to never change. I give you "My Top Five Reasons Why My Wife is not The Woman I Married".

5) Before we were married Jen would never comment if I left my clothes on the floor. She'd simply pick it up, move it out of the the way, and toss it in the laundry. Now she throws attitude and says, "Did you hire a maid? 'Coz I know I ain't gettin' paid to do this shit!"

4) When Jen and I met she understood that I worked twelve hours a day. Now that she watches our children everyday I normally get a phone call around lunchtime wanting to know when I plan on coming home.

3) Jen used to be so relaxed and easy-going about everything. Now every minute of every hour of every day of my life is scheduled in her calendar.

2) When we first met I really took note that she had everything together. Now her scatter-brain seems to intensify with each year. She's locking herself out of the house more, she's locking herself out of the car more. To the point that AAA has sent a notice saying that we're nearing our annual limit for service calls. We're allowed four and she's called three times to have them come and unlock the car door for her - in the last nine months!!!

1) In dating, having sex was always a given (big reason why I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her!). Now, sex is just in between her complaints of "I carried your children for eighteen months!" and "Don't even think about it until every single thing in the house is in its place."

Jen's Take:
Oh! So you wanna go there, eh? Alrighteee then, let's go!

5) Dating Days: John was very particular about his clothing - even dressed down he was well put together.
Married Life: He's happy throwing an outfit together fresh from the floor; kind of like a smorgasbord of dirty laundry that'll "iron itself out with a little water and body heat".

4) Dating Days: We both had a life outside of our home. We knew that after work the only place we needed to be was either at a bar or home for sex.
Married Life: Who can spend twelve hours straight with two kids without calling your significant other to ask that question? And, BTW, it's really not asking when he'll be home but more a hint that he needs to be home at an acceptable hour! (read: either by dinner or before I lose my friggin' mind!)

3) Dating Days: The only things a calendar was good for back in the good 'ol days was for remembering people's birthdays and keeping track of my period.
Married Life: Not only am I the head chef, maid, gopher, chauffeur, etc. but I'm also expected to be a kickass secretary (and not only for my kids schedules!) so, you're damned right I'm going to have e-vuh-ry minute accounted for just so I know where we're all supposed to be at any given time of the day. Sidenote to Hubby - welcome to the rest of your life, motha-f'er!

2) Okay, I've got nothin' on this one. But it should please you to know that after the last incident I immediately went to the AAA office and got a copy of the key made! (gimme a break, only four calls per year?? Insane!)

1) Dating Days: What else was there to do? I mean there was more time for small talk and creativity for romancing one another.
Married Life: When is there really any time to breathe, let alone lie still long enough to get the sex on (without falling asleep first)? Seriously, the sex, that's what got us in this mess in the first place!

John: Thank you for proving my point, Honey. Now if anybody out there has seen my sweetheart of a girlfriend who made me fall head over heels in love with her, please ask her to come and claim her body from my bossy-biatch of a wife.

Jen: Ha! That's very funny, Honey! Now, why don't you say "bye-bye" to these nice people for whom you are obviously showing off. The next time I let you have your balls we'll just see who's to be called the 'biatch', Biatch!

TOUCHDOWN!!!!

SuperBowl Sunday is fast approaching and with it our son's future career becomes a hot topic.

John: (with a gleam in his eye) I will be soooo proud of Jordan when he gets a football scholarship! I can just envision myself wearing his jersey in the stands, cheering my heart out as he dives for a touchdown-saving tackle!

Jen: (rolling her eyes) Jordan's never going to play football.

John: Are you crazy??

Jen: Look, yeah football's great and all. Rah-rah, shish-boom bah! But I can't stand the thought of allowing him to play a sport in which he could potentially injure himself with lifelong effects. I've known too many guys who've played even a little bit of football and, to this day, are still suffering the effects from it. What's the point of it all anyway? There are plenty of other sports out there.

John: You're just being a protective mommy. "I don't want my baby to get hurt." Jordan can play any sport he wants. Some sports are less physical than others, but football happens to be the most popular american sport there is. Why do you think the Superbowl is so big. Everybody's going to be barbecuing on Sunday, getting ready for the big game; watching ESPN highlights of the big plays, the big hits! Yes, it's a physical sport, but you can get hurt in any sport. You can get hurt crossing the street! Football is great because it's a team sport. It teaches discipline to prepare yourself physically and mentally so you can perform at the highest of your abilities.

Jen: Puh-lease. There are just as many team sports out there that don't deliver as many broken bodies as football does. What about soccer? Or, or the swim team?...

John: Or, tennis. (chuckle, chuckle) Or how about the chess team? C'mon, what're you gonna say to him when all of his friends are playing football and his 'mommy' won't let him play?

Jen: Okay, back off of the tennis because I happen to really like tennis; albeit being played by my EX. And chess??!! Okay, that's low. Y'know, I honestly won't have a problem letting him play football with all his buddies when they all go off to the field and do whatever. I guess my problem would lie in not giving him the opportunity to learn about and play other sports. I don't want to become the type of parent who pushes him into "being a linebacker" or "the quarterback" just because his daddy thinks football is THE greatest sport of all time. I just want him to know that it's not just a sport, that it takes a lot out of your body and that over time it's going to take a toll. If he can weigh all of those factors in and still tell me that playing football is what he wants to do with his life then I will be his biggest fan, unconditionally.

John: Great. I won't push him. I never planned to push him. But I can't help slightly influencing him on the sports that I like most. It's realistic that I'm going to open the doors to the opportunity of playing any sport that he's interested in. And if he doesn't like football I'll be okay. But if he does, I'LL be his biggest fan - unconditionally.

Jen: Fine. But seriously, what's wrong with tennis?

HOLIDAY BURNOUT

Setting: Jen curled up on the couch with a pack of tissues and cough drops.

Jen: I’ve got the flu.

John: Again??

Jen: What do you mean ‘again’??

John: This is the second time in a month you’ve had the flu. The first was right before Christmas, and the second, hello?, right now. This happens every year. You always do too much around the holidays, you need to pare down your obligations and not worry about all the little things.

Jen: Well, sure, I’d love to ‘pare down my obligations’ but that would just make us look like bah-Humbug Scrooges. Who else is supposed to take care of the little things? The holiday cards had to be sent out, the gifts had to be bought and wrapped; we had a few dinners with friends, and a party or two to attend. I mean, all of that on top of our already crazy lives…

John: All I’m saying is that you do too much and in the end you always, always, always get sick and say how “next year things will be different”. How, Jen, is it going to be different next year; tell me.

Jen: (after only a few seconds of thought) Okay, Mr. Know-It-All. Next season you’ll pick the photo to be used for the holiday cards. You’ll be responsible for ordering them, typing up a little family letter to go along with each card, and stamping and sealing them as well as addressing them before mailing them on their way in time for Christmas. You can schedule our family holiday portraits & choose what the kids will wear in them. And you can also create the list of gifts we’ll give to our family and friends, not to mention wrap them nicely. Then you can spend some time pondering what to serve during our get-together dinners, and what to wear for the parties we may attend. Oh yeah, you’ll also need to have a few extra gifts on hand for the ‘just in case’ moments when somebody extra happens to come along. I’m sure I’m forgetting a lot of other important details but I’ll be sure to draw up a spreadsheet of what to do and exactly when it should be completed to keep you on track – I’ll do all that just as soon as I’m better and off of this damned couch! Next season I expect to be stress and flu-free simply because you’ll be taking all of these things off of my plate so that I can focus on the other little things in our lives. Any questions, Sweetie?

John: (grumbling under his breath) How the hell did I get myself into this shit? I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.

Jen: What was that?

John: Nothing, Honey. I was just saying how jolly it’ll be to help you out with this.

When Ya Gotta Go.... Ya Gotta Go!!

Setting: John and Jen are on their way out the door to go to session #3 with their marriage counselor when John begins looking through the magazine stack.

Jen: What are you doing? We’re going to be late!

John: I’m looking for a magazine to read. Have you seen the new ESPN?

Jen: You never read in the car; why do you need one NOW??!

John: I’m not going to read it in the car. I need to use the bathroom before we leave.

Jen: Are you kidding me?!!! Now? You need to go to the bathroom NOW? And why the heck do you always need to have a magazine every time you go?

John: Do I really need to explain that to you? Do you need to know everything, right down to how I prefer to read a magazine while doing my business? Can I not have ANYTHING of my own around here without you having an issue with it? Which rule would you like to apply this time, Honey?

Jen: Don’t ‘Honey’ me. Seriously, I don’t mind you doing your business however you like doing it. Aside from your odd sense of timing, like, right before we’re about to walk out the door, toting a magazine with you just prolongs the process. Hence, it seems like I wait forever and a day for you to come back out!

John: One – you shouldn’t be waiting for me. You should find something else to do than wait because I’m not speeding up my process for you, or anybody else. And two – if you’re telling me that women plan ahead and put pottying into their schedule so that they can get out the door in a timely fashion well, sorry, but guys just don’t work that way. When we’re headed out the door we look for our wallet; we make sure we have our keys; and, at that point, we ask ourselves, “Do I need to go now, or can I wait?” and then the next question would be, “How long will I need to wait? And when we get there is there going to be a magazine available to make me feel as if I’m at home?” So ninety percent of the time I come to the conclusion that it’s best to just empty the tanks before leaving the house. So now you know the process, why don’t you put that into your calendar. I’m going to the bathroom. (John enters the bathroom and ceremoniously closes the door with a flourish)

Jen (peeved and determined to have her say, plunks herself right outside the door to wait)

Time passes, and John emerges.

Jen: Well it’s about time – now we’re twenty minutes behind schedule!

John: You exaggerate, that was only five man-minutes which, in dog years, are twenty wife-minutes.

Jen (disregarding his sarcasm): First of all, to get back to your earlier remarks, ‘yes’, in most instances I actually DO plan my trips to the bathroom – to the point of reason, of course. And that’s only when I’m able to find a window of opportunity here and there while I’m with the kids. Secondly, should I even fantasize that my visit to the loo lasts longer than three minutes I can be sure as Hell that a certain three-year old would be banging on the door insisting on coming in; which gives me no choice but to do my business with the door wide open, thank you very much. And finally, my beef with the magazine is not that I despise your ability to relax but rather, you’re relaxed to the point that you’re probably all finished doing your thing and yet you’re most likely hung up reading something interesting causing you to stay in the bathroom even longer!

John: You having an opinion as to when and where my body chooses to go is like me asking you “Why do you have to have your period right now? Can’t you just hold it for twenty more minutes?” Maybe you haven’t noticed but men are built differently than women. I don’t have the get-in, get-out mentality that you might have. I like to get in there and not rush the whole process. It’s my preference. If I ever gave you a hard time for taking too long for fixing your face in the morning, you would’ve already thrown a shoe at me. So just let it go and respect my space!

Jen (heading out the door): Are you through yet? Seriously, let’s go, we’re late!! We can talk about this in the car…

John follows behind and immediately starts busting out in laughter as Jen runs back into the house to tinkle.

John: Honey, wait! You forgot the magazine!!

Girls Rule... Boys Drool

Marriage Counseling – Therapy Session #2
Setting: John and Jen are sitting on the couch, holding hands. The counselor approaches and takes his seat.

Counselor: Welcome back. How have things been going? Is there anything in particular on your minds today?

Jen (smiling radiantly): Actually. I have no complaints. Everything has been going great!

John (sarcastically): Everything is going great because you’re getting your way more often.

Jen (surprised): What does that mean?

John: I mean, we’re living by your rules.

Counselor: Rules?

John: You know, rules. As in, females make up the rules. And we, men, have to make a choice. Either we follow the rules they set or we live a more challenging life. You see, Jen is going to sit here and deny that she has any rules, but she doesn’t even know all the rules which she has created. She only becomes aware of them if I don’t follow them.

Counselor: Huh??

John: Okay. Number one. Jen is never wrong. That is, in her mind she is never wrong. But if she is wrong, she will justify it somehow by saying something like, “well, if you didn’t make me do so-and-so then it would never have happened”.

Jen: I really don’t know where this is coming from. Here I thought things were going great. What do you mean I make up all the rules? I’m never wrong? Well, if I was wrong then it was probably because of something you did that led me to my mistake.

John: See what I mean?

Jen: Besides, it’s a full-time job having to think for three people plus myself every…single…day.

John: Three people?

Jen: Yeah, three. Jasmyn, Jordan, and YOU!

John: Right on time. A perfect segway into Rule Number Two – Jen believes that she needs to do the thinking for me.

(At this point John and Jennifer have stopped holding hands and are now sitting on opposite ends of their chairs.)

John (takes a deep breath): And number three: Jen can get angry or upset for any reason at any time. Many times I don’t even have a clue as to why she’s angry or upset.

Jen: That’s so not true. Just because I don’t necessarily tell you as it happens, there is ALWAYS a reason for my being upset. It just takes me a little while to communicate, usually because you don’t want to hear it.

John: And again, she leads me to the next rule. The fourth and final rule, which is the most important rule of them all. I’m expected to read her mind at all times. Especially when she’s PMS-ing, pre-PMS-ing, post-PMS-ing; or whatever the cause for her craziness. If she’s never wrong, and I’m never right, then how could I ever read her mind and know that that’s what she really wants? Because, believe me, I’ve tried to read her mind, and I never get it right. If I shook a fortune-telling eight ball, the answer would probably be, “Better luck next time.”


Jen (exasperated): This is the perfect example of why John and I are always having these discussions. I always feel like I’m going around in circles with him because one minute I’m trying to tell him something, the next minute he completely forgets and I have to remind him of it, and then he’ll absolutely swear that I never mentioned it in the first place! And when I finally go bonkers having to remind him then he accuses me of nagging!

And as for these so-called rules. That’s fine, call it what you want. I simply look at them as a daily plan of action. If there was no structure in our lives then the house would inevitably fall apart leaving, who else but me, to pick up the pieces and retain some semblance of organization.

So, let me just take a stab at what I’m sure are my husband’s top three complaints in reference to my ‘rules’:

1) The Family calendar – every week, usually around Wednesday, I sit him down to go over the important things that need to be done that weekend (whether they are a birthday party, a dinner with friends, or a house project). It’s my way of insuring that he and I are on the same page for the next couple of days. He may whine and complain that I’m controlling that aspect of our lives but if you were to call him up to schedule something he would inevitably forget because he absolutely refuses to keep any kind of calendar around. Now that may work for a bachelor but, Hello!, we have kids now and (so sorry to say) but our lives revolve around them. He’s more than welcome to help me in planning things but so far he’s been content to let me run with the reigns.

2) Cleaning – I know this is his all time favorite. Here’s my thing: if we could only keep the house up during the week (small things here and there) then we wouldn’t have to dedicate an entire afternoon on the weekends to clean the whole house. Do a little here and there, save time and energy for when it really counts and have more quality time with the kids on our days off. Capiche?

3) And last, but not least, he stresses when I expect him home at a certain time every night after work. What can I say? I’d like for us to be able to sit down to dinner as a family on a consistent basis. Is it really too much to ask that my children be able to have at least one meal a day with their father each day? But get this, he hates when he gets home only to see them being carted off to bed. What’s a gal to do? Ya can’t have it both ways…y’know?

Counselor: Okay, so from what I’m hearing you both have very good and valid concerns. And these issues are very common in all marriages. However, what we all need to keep in mind is that men and women perceive and react differently to one another. The important thing is that the lines of communication stay open and that you each learn to pick which battles are most important to broach. Of course, every relationship has their own distinct set of ‘rules’ which the couple live by. These are yours, others have theirs; and there’s no way that you can compare it to another. There are no relationships without their own set of challenges. And, the best part of all (despite the friction) is that you never stop learning more about one another. But most importantly what matters most is that you WANT to keep learning more. And that, my friends, is the ONLY rule that should matter.

Our time is up – see you next time.

(Counselor then notices that John and Jennifer are once again holding hands)

Sex & Priorities

Setting: marriage counseling
Scene from Mr. & Mrs. Smith: cameras open on John and Jen sitting side-by-side on the therapy couch.

Counselor: So what brings you two in today?

Jen: My husband seems to think that our sex life is suffering. But I completely disagree with him.

Counselor: Mm-hmm. How so?

John: We ...don’t ...have ...sex.

(both Jen and the counselor lean in as if expecting him to offer more)

John: I mean, we have sex occasionally when she feels like it. It’s as if she’s holding it hostage and I need to negotiate for time. I feel like I need to earn five gold stars to earn a prize. She is using her powers over when, if, and where we have sex as a tool of training me to be a better husband.

Counselor: I see…

Jen: (exasperated) That is sooo not the case! It’s really about priorities, and getting things done as needed. Not to mention ‘atmosphere’. I need to be able to get into the mood.

John: The only way to get you into the mood is if all the planets were to align, and I passed a thirty-two point inspection in the kitchen. Then, and only then, maybe you’d think about getting in the mood. My point is: it shouldn’t be such a challenge. I have a better chance of having sex if I put it in your calendar. You always need to ‘plan ahead’ for everything. See, I don’t need any planning, I’m like an ambulance driver: On-call, ready to respond at a moment’s notice.

Jen: Well, I’m not the least bit surprised with that. And, yeah, I mean that IS what the calendar was meant for originally. If I can glance at it and see what’s coming up (no pun intended) then maybe I’d be better prepared and able to relax when the actual event were to happen. I can’t just drop what I’m doing and ‘start going at it’ in a moment’s notice. After an entire day playing with the kids, being spit-up on, and having my hair pulled (and spit-up on) I just don’t have the sexual drive or strength to think past getting myself to bed early and having to do it all again the following day. Not to mention all the foreplay I need to even GET me to the point of thinking about sex. Hell, I don’t want to just LIE there!

John: Oh, it’s foreplay you’re worried about? That’s all?! Well, I can do all that stuff – pulling your hair and spitting on you, all while you just lie there, Honey…. That’s what I’m talkin’ about! But seriously, it’s not like we’re dating and I need to impress you. Back then we had time for an hour of foreplay, some soft music, and candles. It was the game of keeping the relationship fresh and exciting; keeping you interested and avoiding routine. Now, our time is limited because the day is spent revolving around our children. So, when we do have a window of opportunity I don’t want to work so hard like we’re dating. I want you to want me as much as I want you. Sometimes I feel like you’re tired of fighting me off so you just give it up to shut me up.

Jen: But see, that’s the entire point: Time. There IS no time for anything BUT taking care of the kids. The moment I wake up in the morning I hit the ground running, and it’s like that the entire day. I’m lucky if I get five minutes to tie my hair back and change out of my pjs! By the end of it all I just don’t have any more of me to give, let alone be sexual.

John: Let me put this into perspective. I’m not saying that everyday I come home from work I need you to meet me at the door ready to give it up. I completely understand that we have priorities which come first. But you can go WEEKS without even initiating it, it’s like a coin flip: when I roll over in bed, put my arm around you and kiss you on the neck, the reaction I get is never predictable. I think most of the time I say to myself “here it comes, she’s gonna tell me she’s too tired, or not in the mood. Or maybe she has just enough energy to spout off a ‘stop it’.” Ouch, rejected again.

Jen: So, that’s your point? That’s the problem, feeling rejected? Really, after all is said and done, when I’ve hung up my ‘mommy-hat’ at the end of the day I need time to slip into the role of hot, sexy wife. You know, brush my hair out, make sure my legs are shaven, that my pedicure is intact; all that girlie stuff, because though it may not matter to you, it matters a whole lot to me. It’s more a state of mind than a physical thing.

John: I understand. But don’t I always tell you how beautiful you are? Ever since we had our first child the everyday responsibilities have changed. It just seems that our opportunities for sex have been so limited that we should take advantage of the small windows of time we DO have to spend with one another. It’s not just about having sex, it’s about feeling close to you.

Jen (looking deeply into John’s eyes): Awww! Honey! I miss you too!

John smiles and reaches out to hold her hand. They kiss passionately before realizing that the counselor is still with them. Immediately they stand and very quickly thank him for all of his help before they nearly run out the door to take advantage of the small window of time together before having to pick the kids up from the babysitter’s.