Who Are You, and What Have You Done with My Wife?

John: There is a thought that two hearts that love one another decide one day that marriage is the beginning of spending the rest of your life together with your best friend. In some cases, a woman will marry a man for his potential of being a great husband (with a bit of training assumed). And in the man's case he marries the woman to either prove to her that he's committed to her and/or basically just wants the good relationship he has to never change. I give you "My Top Five Reasons Why My Wife is not The Woman I Married".

5) Before we were married Jen would never comment if I left my clothes on the floor. She'd simply pick it up, move it out of the the way, and toss it in the laundry. Now she throws attitude and says, "Did you hire a maid? 'Coz I know I ain't gettin' paid to do this shit!"

4) When Jen and I met she understood that I worked twelve hours a day. Now that she watches our children everyday I normally get a phone call around lunchtime wanting to know when I plan on coming home.

3) Jen used to be so relaxed and easy-going about everything. Now every minute of every hour of every day of my life is scheduled in her calendar.

2) When we first met I really took note that she had everything together. Now her scatter-brain seems to intensify with each year. She's locking herself out of the house more, she's locking herself out of the car more. To the point that AAA has sent a notice saying that we're nearing our annual limit for service calls. We're allowed four and she's called three times to have them come and unlock the car door for her - in the last nine months!!!

1) In dating, having sex was always a given (big reason why I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her!). Now, sex is just in between her complaints of "I carried your children for eighteen months!" and "Don't even think about it until every single thing in the house is in its place."

Jen's Take:
Oh! So you wanna go there, eh? Alrighteee then, let's go!

5) Dating Days: John was very particular about his clothing - even dressed down he was well put together.
Married Life: He's happy throwing an outfit together fresh from the floor; kind of like a smorgasbord of dirty laundry that'll "iron itself out with a little water and body heat".

4) Dating Days: We both had a life outside of our home. We knew that after work the only place we needed to be was either at a bar or home for sex.
Married Life: Who can spend twelve hours straight with two kids without calling your significant other to ask that question? And, BTW, it's really not asking when he'll be home but more a hint that he needs to be home at an acceptable hour! (read: either by dinner or before I lose my friggin' mind!)

3) Dating Days: The only things a calendar was good for back in the good 'ol days was for remembering people's birthdays and keeping track of my period.
Married Life: Not only am I the head chef, maid, gopher, chauffeur, etc. but I'm also expected to be a kickass secretary (and not only for my kids schedules!) so, you're damned right I'm going to have e-vuh-ry minute accounted for just so I know where we're all supposed to be at any given time of the day. Sidenote to Hubby - welcome to the rest of your life, motha-f'er!

2) Okay, I've got nothin' on this one. But it should please you to know that after the last incident I immediately went to the AAA office and got a copy of the key made! (gimme a break, only four calls per year?? Insane!)

1) Dating Days: What else was there to do? I mean there was more time for small talk and creativity for romancing one another.
Married Life: When is there really any time to breathe, let alone lie still long enough to get the sex on (without falling asleep first)? Seriously, the sex, that's what got us in this mess in the first place!

John: Thank you for proving my point, Honey. Now if anybody out there has seen my sweetheart of a girlfriend who made me fall head over heels in love with her, please ask her to come and claim her body from my bossy-biatch of a wife.

Jen: Ha! That's very funny, Honey! Now, why don't you say "bye-bye" to these nice people for whom you are obviously showing off. The next time I let you have your balls we'll just see who's to be called the 'biatch', Biatch!