Keeping Score
Eric SaysLike almost every wedding I've ever been to, our ceremony had the whole "love is patient" reading from Corinthians. And while I suppose I can agree that love is patient and kind, I'm not so sure about the part that says love "keeps no record of wrongs." (Yes, people, that was a part of it, too.) I say, why not keep a record? Why not just write those "wrongs" down? And not just the wrongs, but even the minor inconveniences in your relationship, too. Keep track of all your gripes. After all, how else are you and your partner going to know what the score is?
Jill and I always keep score. (I know, a marriage counselor would have a field day with us.) We should probably just put a Jumbotron in our living room. I guess we both just feel the need to know who has "inconvenienced" who the most. Or, put another way, we want to know "who's got it worse." We both are staking a claim to the title.
But while I'm laying out all of our marital dysfunction for the world to see, let me also say that in our defense, there is actually a method to our madness. The reasoning behind the whole "keeping score" thing is to help keep things balanced between the two of us. Striving for equality is a good thing, right? Let's say I have to work late one night. That means that Jill has to get home to relieve the nanny, cook dinner, pick up one of the big boys from practice, clean the house, make sure homework is done and then get the little kids to bed. All of that adds up to one point for Jill. At least one point. Now I owe her. I have to make it up somehow or else she's "ahead" 1-0. And because she has a point stored up, theoretically she now gets a free pass to go shopping or just relax or . . . something. That way she can even up the score.
But there's one small problem with our system - Jill doesn't take advantage of those free passes often enough. And, after awhile, those things expire. I say, use 'em or lose 'em. So then it goes back to being a tie score again, right? If not, we might lose our perfect balance. Maybe Jill feels differently. I guess we'll see . . .
Jill Says
Wait, someone actually read something about "keeping no record of wrongs" at my wedding? I have absolutely no recollection of that. Maybe I was too busy fuming about the fact that Eric spent the night before the wedding drinking with buddies, while I worked on party favors and thank you notes.
Aw, that's not entirely true. I don't think we keep score. Not exactly. Or at least we're not as bad as Eric makes us out to be. But with four kids and two full-time careers, there is just no time for lying down on the job in our marriage. Everyone needs to pull their weight. For the most part, I think we do.
The thing is, every marriage involves a division of labor, but every so often the math gets a little fuzzy. That's where the resentment - and the scorekeeping- comes in. For example, right now, the way I see it, Eric's jobs usually revolve around three things: 1) driving 2) buying things, and 3) being the "public face" for our family. This means that he drives the kids around, hob-nobs with the other parents and spends our money. Not a bad gig. Oh, and he is also the exclusive vacation planner. Think of him as the family cruise director.
Meanwhile, I seem to be stuck in the rut of butt-wiping, tile-scrubbing, homework-helping and checkbook-balancing. Not such a rockin' time, but definitely worth a lot of points. Here's a recent picture of me:
Lately, I've come to realize that I may be just as responsible for this division of labor as he is. The truth is that I don't trust him with the ugly jobs. So I hoard them. Could it be that I like being a martyr?
Maybe tonight I'll change things up. Maybe I'll be the one hitting happy hour while he relieves the nanny. Then, when I come home, I'll hand him the laundry basket and head off to Target to spend the family's money. That doesn't sound bad. Not bad at all.
How does the division of labor work in your family? Is it equal? If not, is that still OK? What does equality mean in a marriage anyway and is there any room for keeping score?
Labels: Jill and Eric
posted by Jill at 9:21 PM
23 Say it:
Since I don't work outside the home, it would be really hard to keep score that way here. Basically (before I was 30+ weeks pregnant with twins, at least) I do all the work around the house, and all the schooling, and he does all the work to pay for everything. :) He's also the "fun" parent and the serious disciplinarian (principal) - how does that work? Not sure, but it's fine with me.
But we do compare jobs a lot. I tend to hoard my jobs too much, when I should let him help more. But it's like getting kids to do chores - sometimes it's just easier to do it yourself. Except now, when I can barely walk from one end of the house to another. I'm learning to accept (or demand) help more.
I think your division of PR vs. homefront suits your extrovert vs. introvert personalities to a certain extent, don't you?
It's funny to see the way we divide the labor - although I tend to enjoy the jobs I do, I like to keep reminding Big J that I do them - even though I would hate having his household jobs.
I really just delegate all the jobs I don't like to him. I split the labor to my liking. Works for me!
First of all I wanna say that I love the way the two of you write. Whenever you guys write a post I feel like I'm watching a movie where the two lawyers have a thing for each other, but meanwhile they are on the opposite sides of a case. LOL It's great.
As far as the jobs, it's hard to say. Mike and I really don't have things that each other are responsible for doing. We both do everything.
My mother was a hoarder....she always hoards the tough stuff cause she doesn't think anyone can do it as good. But when you do that, you turn into a work horse.
Because of that, one thing I NEVER EVER DO is hoard. Mike wants to do something......he does it. Sometimes better than me, sometimes not....but I'm not stoppin him either way.
All I can picture is a big chalk board in your living room (like in a football locker room) with who has to be where when.
Jenn and I share with the baby stuff. If something needs to get done, whoever gets to it first does it. I do the bills, she does the cooking. We both clean and do laundry.
i think as a woman, we bitch about the fact that we clean the whole entire house all the fucking time- yet if we left to the men, they would NEVER do a good enough job. am i right? LOL
Ahem......Jennster, as my wife who's the bigger pain in the ass about cleaning.
I'm a scorekeeper, too. But I've found that it's easier to keep track of who GETS what as opposed to who DOES what. Realistically, both of us are working our butts off most of the time, so it's impossible to apportion credit equally - instead I just make a little mental note: hmmm, hubby's going out to a concert tonight - I guess that means girls' night is coming up soon.
I've always said that fair doesn't necessarily mean equal. If someone is unhappy with a perceived disparity in diaper changes performed, or number of toilets being scrubbed, there needs to be a conversation.
Generally, I change more diapers because I am home more. When Idea Man is home, he gets to change ALL of the diapers, within reason. This was negotiated in the following manner, a couple weeks after the birth of our first child:
Him: It's your turn to change the baby.
Me: Oh, really? So when it's your TURN in the middle of the night, even if I am up nursing the baby, and you have to get up for work in the morning, I should get you up?
Him: I'll change the baby.
I go out more often, because I have more friends. Kidding! Actually I'm quite serious. Also it's because I'm home with the kids all day and sometimes I just need to get out of here.
I could go on and on, but the point is that hopefully both parties are putting forth a reasonable amount of effort, and any inequalities can be negotiated.
I started to write about how we divide the labor around our house, but I started to get irritated by our uneven list. I think I'll just keep thinking about how we're doing the best we can with our current situation and leave it at that.
Hmm interesting. Glad we aren't the only ones who keep points (well we sort of do anyway). We split a lot of things or take turns but I don't do all the ugly stuff, I make him do it even if he doesn't want to. Then again it works both ways. I think there are things we each do and things we go back and forth on. The keeping points thing is for the extras. You know like I went to a stupid playdate that he made with a woman I can't stand on my saturday, means that the following saturday my ass is going shopping with friends and he's keeping the kids. I figure as long as it works like this, it's fine. But we both also work full time, so it's important for us to divide and conqure. On kids, everything is split. He changed as many diapers and cleaned up as many runny noses as I did, but my hubby is a great daddy and he doesn't see it as work.
Wow! You know somedays I have to work really hard at not keeping score (and try to remember that passage from Corinthians) and other days I say to hell with not keeping score... game on baby! But sadly I keep it with my kids too (albeit on a lower level) and so I should.
I work full time in a very busy industry and thelast thing I want to come home to is dishes all over the living room coffee table, on the counters and in the sink... cearal boxes left on the counter (because the kids have decided that the perfect afternoon snack after school is cereal), cupboard doors WIDE open (I kid you not), the entry clogged with backpacks, boots, mitts, hats, coats so bad that one almost breaks their neck 'attempting' to get in the door after a long day of work... the it cook supper, clean up, chores, drive the kid to work, pick him up, switch the laundry, fold the laundry, pay the bills, fight with the kids to go to bed.
So yes, I expect a little (okay quite a bit) of help. I am very anal about routine and most days the forces are against me (forces being my family). I am like that though because I HATE HATE HATE spending my only 2 days off in a week cleaning and organizing the house, grocery shopping and running errands. But when I do not get the help needed though the week am O left with a choice? other than going on strike?
So yeah, sometimes it is a necessary evil to keep score!
Great topic and I enjoy reading Dad said Mom said; in fact I look forward to it every Friday.
Wow! You know somedays I have to work really hard at not keeping score (and try to remember that passage from Corinthians) and other days I say to hell with not keeping score... game on baby! But sadly I keep it with my kids too (albeit on a lower level) and so I should.
I work full time in a very busy industry and thelast thing I want to come home to is dishes all over the living room coffee table, on the counters and in the sink... cearal boxes left on the counter (because the kids have decided that the perfect afternoon snack after school is cereal), cupboard doors WIDE open (I kid you not), the entry clogged with backpacks, boots, mitts, hats, coats so bad that one almost breaks their neck 'attempting' to get in the door after a long day of work... the it cook supper, clean up, chores, drive the kid to work, pick him up, switch the laundry, fold the laundry, pay the bills, fight with the kids to go to bed.
So yes, I expect a little (okay quite a bit) of help. I am very anal about routine and most days the forces are against me (forces being my family). I am like that though because I HATE HATE HATE spending my only 2 days off in a week cleaning and organizing the house, grocery shopping and running errands. But when I do not get the help needed though the week am O left with a choice? other than going on strike?
So yeah, sometimes it is a necessary evil to keep score!
Great topic and I enjoy reading Dad said Mom said; in fact I look forward to it every Friday.
Our division of labor changes constantly. Last month my hubby threw his back out at work, so you can imagine it was pretty much 90% me and 10% him for 3 weeks. This has gone the other way when I've had a migraine and need to retire to the bedroom for the night. So, it changes time to time.
Normally though, I can't help but keep a running tally of the crap jobs I get to do all day while he's doing "grown-up" things at work - even driving in the car and listening to your own music is a luxury I don't have. But, I try not to be negative about it and get out to recharge my batteries when I can (because everyone needs a break once in a while). I am guilty of hoarding jobs, and that is fine with me. We're a pretty good team most of the time.
Carrie
I understand keeping score - somewhat. If you can afford it, hire things done. A nanny. A house cleaner. If you do not have to cart children to and from day care/school life is pretty good. If you do not have to spend your two days off work cleaning, life is pretty good. It is important to work together in a marriage, but it is just as important to allow one another to have the time and space to be who you really are - before you were a spouse and a parent.
I just wish I could start all over again. Old habits are hard to break but they can be increasingly annoying over the decades. The knowledge that, at our age, nothing will change keeps me trucking along. Fretting about the disparity can only bring more dissatisfaction.
I used to try and keep score, which was not appreciated by my co-conspirator. I finally decided to just deal with the fact that I am the Mommy (after all, I am, right?) and surprisingly, I got into my groove.
Like Jill,I don't take advantage of my credits either. I whine about being behind, in fact I once designated a whole Year of Jenine to catch up, but it is just too hard to actually run a household without being a little bit of a control freak - for the good or the bad stuff.
I just figure I would rather be the Mommy in my country than any other country - my bad is still way better than most women's. Agreed?
Our division of duties is such that I don't feel the least bit bad if my husband has to work late on a Friday or go in all day on a Saturday (matter of fact, I prefer it).
At least I know he's pulling his weight on those weekends because when he's at home he'll find an excuse - not even a good one - to park his ass on the couch and feel entitled to do just that for 48 hours!
we have a very specific system that has been in place for several years. It continues to work.
I never ever under any circumstance take out the garbage. I never fold socks, I never pay the bills and I never clean the bathroom.
If he can take care of those 4 very easy things, I can handle all the rest!
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Oh my god you guys crack me up!
Before we had kids I made a handy dandy chore chart and warned my husband that his initials had better appear on it as often as mine at the end of the week! I'm terrible.
After kids I didn't work, but I'm planning to be working full time by January so all will change. My husband said, "I'm not really looking forward to working all day and then coming home and doing a bunch of work."
And I said, "WELL NEITHER AM I!!!!"
Hopefully we'll figure out workable solution though with kids in the mix I doubt the chore chart is going to cover it this time.
Hey you guys, sorry so late on this one. I've been meaning to comment but have been a total slacker in that department - I've been doing too much housework to do much of anything else!
Anyway, great post! I'd have to say that with my type-A personality I'd tend to be more like Jill (except in the 'balancing the checkbook' arena). Hubby works out of the house and is gone ALL. DAY. LONG! So he pretty much doesn't see all that goes on during the day-to-days. By the time he gets back in all that's really left to do is put the dinner dishes in sink and get the kids off to bed. Meanwhile, I've done a few loads of laundry, cleaned up the kids' rooms (and ours), tidied both baths, restocked our pantry, grocery-shopped...I could go on and on.
We don't actually keep score since he's really good at acknowledging how much being at home really entails. He takes the kids almost every Sunday for a few hours so I can have time for myself, and I reciprocate here and there when he really wants to get away.
Overall, I think we're doing alright. I just wish WE had a nanny - maybe when I go back to work in a few months....
Good job, you two!
Cleaning was a big source of contention in our home. Finally, we decided we no longer wanted to fight about it. We were going to make it work! So, I do the bills, the dishes, most cooking and about half the laundry. He takes out the trash and recycling and empties the Diaper Genie, he does the other half of the laundry, he cleans the litter boxes. We both work full time and we're both home about half the time with our daughter so that's split evenly too. The cleaning lady does the rest! That was our solution. I gotta say, I've never spent $83.07 / two weeks more wisely. ;)
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