For What It's Worth
Jenn Said: Before I was pregnant, Mike and I lived together in an apartment. The rent was so cheap that Mike paid for everything with no problem, and my entire paycheck went into the bank to prepare for our future. We weren't married, but we knew that we wanted to share our future together, so it just made sense. Then I got pregnant and we were so happy, but plans started going into overdrive. We started thinking about where we lived and that it wasn't really conducive to having children there (the area, not the apartment). So we decided to just, ya know, look at houses. We weren't in a rush or anything....just curious. Of course once we started looking we got sucked into the real estate vortex and the only way out was to buy a house, NOW! We found a house that we loved! Great neighborhood, lots of bedrooms, just so much for our money. We were hooked! It was a little above our price range (which oddly enough grew higher and higher as we were looking). I was pregnant (like HUGE pregnant), and would love to bring our baby home to a house.
*Insert Life Altering Turning Point Here*
Mike: You realize that if we buy this house you won't be able to stay home with the baby, right?
Jenn: Yea, I know. It's ok.
WAIT, WHAT? IT IS? Ummmm!!! NO IT'S NOT!!!
I was pregnant, what the hell did I know! I was stupid; I didn't know anything about parenting (even though I thought I did). I was the one that said stuff like, MYYYY child was never EVER sleeping one second in MY bed......HA HA!!!!! All I knew is that I wanted that house! Instant satisfaction! Deal with the repercussions later, right?
Well, HELLOOOOOO Later!
So now, even though I said it was ok that I was gonna work, I don't want to work. I want to be home with Allie. I feel like I'm missing the best part of her life. I want to start trying to have another baby sometime within the next 6 months or so, and I want to stay home with that one too. Because paying for daycare for both of them, I might as WELL not work anyway. So why is it that even though we both were so in sync before all of this: I wanted to stay home, he wanted me to stay home; do I now feel guilty for wanting to stay home? Damn that mommy guilt!
I think it's a couple of reasons, and I think they are pretty valid.
- I don't want all the financial pressure to be on him.
- I feel like I'm sending him out to slave in the work force while I'm having fun playing with blocks!
- Cause now I'm going back on my word that I was gonna work. And if I do that, we would have to sacrifice living the way we like to. Also, so I can stay home and play with Allie.
I KNOW I KNOW it's more than staying home and playing. However, she does like day care now, and most mothers work these days. So why am I making a big deal over it? For some reason I just feel like a failure for wanting to stay home....like I can't HACK the working mom thing, so I'm going to force my husband to do MORE so I can do LESS, and he doesn't deserve that.
Of course, then there's always the thing, that once I go through ALL of this to be able to stay home, what happens if I hate it??!?! I guess I'll jump off that bridge when and if I ever get to it.
Mike Said: OK, I do want Jenn to stay home with Allie. I don't know why she's so worried about putting more of a burden on me and feeling guilty about it. I knew what was eventually going to happen. If we were going to have a house in a safe area, multiple kids (which means 2 to Mike & 3 to Jenn) and have one of us stay home with them, we were going to have to make sacrifices. I recently got a new job, which pays me more money, but not enough to support us in our current lifestyle. Sure, if we stayed in the apartment, we could live how we're living now, but be in a crappy area, and having Jenn not feel comfortable enough to walk outside with the baby is NOT worth it.
Once our car leases are up, we're just going to not have 2 brand new cars anymore. I know both of us used to work for a car manufacturing company (where we met) and drove $35k - $40k cars every day, but we're going to have to just learn to except driving around in a 1976 AMC Pacer! (ok, that's a bit much, but you get the idea). We already have numerous nice TV's (cause I also worked for a TV manufactuer), a decent amount of new furniture, some (not a lot, but some) savings, and no credit card debt, so we're in a decent place for us to start to figure out a way for Jenn to stay home. (I say Jenn stay home, not because it's HER role, but because I happen to make more than she does. If the roles were reversed, I'd be the one to stay home.) We would probably figure out a way for her to work from home in some fashion (at night or whatever), so she'd still be helping with the bills. Not even to mention that she'd be taking care of the house and most importantly, our child(ren). I knew this before we got married, and am totally fine with it. No more fancy vacations to the Caribbean or Las Vegas anymore. Instead we're going to have to go camping, and maybe take some local trips to the Jersey shore, but as long as I'm with my family, I don't care.
Daycare is a great thing because it allows kids to learn social skills, but we do know people that have kids, so she can still learn to interact. Once we have our second child, she's going to have to stay home. There's no way we can afford $2k/month in day care. I won't be doing any more than I'm doing now. We'll just have to make sacrifices. Is my family worth it? DEFINITELY!!!! And more!!
Don't worry Babe, we'll figure it out and we'll be fine.
**********
*Sprinkles fairy dust to make her parents stop freakin out for no reason*
Labels: Mike and Jenn
posted by Jenn at 10:20 PM
15 Say it:
Allie is so adorable and I agree with her. If it's what you need to do it will work, somehow. Good luck you two!
omfg- that is the cutest goddammed picture i have ever seen!!!!!!!!!!
Things have a way of working out. Maybe you could pick up some extra cash doing daycare for a friend's kid during the day while you stay home with Allie and Allie II (and Allie III?). Or whatever. You'll come up with something.
Love that picture!
Great post!
Yeah, it is tough making the decision to give up things and live a certain lifestyle. I think it is even HARDER in this day and age because there is a huge amount of pressure on us to "have certain things" - know what I mean?
Fortunately, my husband and I always knew we wanted me to stay home full-time, so from the beginning we've tried to make financial decisions towards that goal. It's works better for our lifestyle. I have NO issues staying home and totally feel like I am pulling my weight and I know my husband feels that way, too. Put it this way, my son has never been to Lowe's with his FATHER. Only me. And all the tools in the garage are MINE. :-)
I think the Car Thing is SO important! It's something I learned from my grandma who is SO good with money. She buys a car, drives it for at least 8 years and takes really, really good care of it the whole time. Her 8 year old cars always run great and look nice, too. When I started staying home full-time we had NO car payments and that made a difference. We did buy a new car just last year because we needed a 4 door, but we only did it after much research and careful consideration. Our goal is never to have more than one car payment at a time.
The other thing that we have done, that helps is that we have "disposable expenses". We do spend a lot of money right now because financially we are doing okay. However, should the shit hit the fan, we can cancel those expenses left and right while we batten down the financial hatches. By disposable expenses, I mean things like eating out all the time, housecleaning, lawn care, buying fun stuff etc. We try not to commit to things financially.
I'm NOT giving advice. Just sharing what we've done. I've had friends say how "lucky" I am to stay home and it irritates me because we worked hard to get here! Lucky? Hmmm.... Probably we are "lucky" to live in area that has great, affordable housing.
Again, great post. It's such a hard decision because money is NOT necessarily about having nice things. It's about security and taking care of yourself and your family!
I think this was a good and very relevant post. I have been in my own business since Jenn was 2 years old. I remember feeling guilty because at 2 she went to school 3 days a week , 3hours a day. 9hrs. a week in total- an everyday thing for a lot of day care kids from six weeks on. I could always bring my kids to work with me & still it was difficult.
At this time when home businesses are everywhere, especially computer oriented businesses, maybe you can do both. I think a little separation, school, grandparents etc. is good since it teaches kids independence, skills etc. and parents appreciate being with their kids when they return. School/daycare is good but all day 5 days a week is horrible. You guys seem to be able to handle anything I'm sure you will find the happy medium, so that you can be home more with allie and enjoy her day to day accomplishments. NOTE: DON'T FEEL TO GUILTY ABOUT BEING HOME TILL YOU DO IT. THE HOUSE IS ALWAYS A MESS, INSTEAD OF HOW YOU LEFT IT AT 7am AND IT IS A LOT MORE WORK THAN GOING TO WORK.
Wow! This post is loaded with topics - where to begin. . .
I stay home with my 2 kids. (A third would be great for me, but my husband says he is done with 2!)
I discovered that when I started to stay home, I had to create a life for myself - like one I had at work. I needed to know people who were also staying home. I LOVED being home with the kids, but I needed a network of support.
I don't overschedule us, but I get out of the house a lot. I find I am just as tired as my husband at the end of the day.
I thought for sure that I would pick up all the slack at home since I would be the one there, but I can barely find time to cook dinner, and I rarely clean since the kids are always messying up the house! I DO run our household, just not in the Beaver Cleaver way.
Don't feel guilty - my husband and I agree that my staying home makes some things a lot easier for us. Sick kids - no problem. Extra errands - no problem. Extra income - problem.
This post is very encouraging to me. I'm in a serious relationship, and we're talking about getting married. There is so much to talk about before-hand. This post gives me calm reassurance that there is still room to figure stuff out after the fact. Obviously, we want to discuss important issues before marriage...as many as possible! Still, there is only so much you can plan for and anticipate. After we say "I do", there will still be plenty to figure out as we go. Kinda like making it up as we go along. :)
Nice post!
Oh my god I just wanna eat her up. I think you guys rock for talking about this. It's not an easy descision to make, but for what it's worth, I think having Jenn stay home will make you guys way happier, even if the money is tighter. However think of the money you will be saving, daycare, gas money, dr visits for child who has been sick since starting daycare. I don't know...money is just money but time with your kids, if that's what you want is way more important. And that's my 2 cents.
Your little munchkin is sooo cute, and you're right - you'll work it out and you'll be fine.
I stay home by choice right now because we agreed to raise our kids that way. They only need me home for a relatively small amount of time if you look at the big picture and I have the rest of my life to work (isn't that why I went to college???)!
Carrie
Ok, first of all, cutest picture ever!
Second, if you can afford to do it, do it. Dh doesn't make much (he is also a student, you'd probably laugh at how much we get by on) I don't feel like I live much differently. Sure I don't have a brand new car, but I have a nice car. We also have nice things I bought before we had kids and bought a house, so I feel good about it.
You are right about daycare being as much as you would make, so why bother. That's why I get to stay home too!
Oh, and trust me, you'll be working just as hard, but no boss! lol!
But honestly, if you want to, and can without living in the poor house (like maybe rent movies instead of going to a theatre etc!) DO IT! It is so worth it. It sounds like you really want to anyway.
Oh man. First of all, if you stayed home you would not be doing LESS. I beg to differ. Take it from a SAHM, work is so much easier! No joke. Most (notice I said most) jobs end at 5:00. You walk out and thats it. Well, stay at home mommy doesn't have a 5:00. This is so hard for me because I don't want to say its terrible. I love the little dude to pieces. But, I do not love it like I thought I would "love it"...does that make sense? Weekend parenting is not the same as weekday parenting. We do family "stuff" together, we tag team, we cook...when you are all alone during the week its a different story. I'M NOT SAYING DON'T DO IT. I happen to think I know you sorta well (its been almost 2 yrs!) and I think you have the personality that will love most of it. And, how great will it be fore you to experience this with #2!!! Just don't get into the trap of you do less or its not important. It is the hardest thing i've ever done...to get up at 6:00 AM after being up who knows how many hrs that night--and then trying to hold it together until bedtime..and doing it all over again...with a smile. This kid cracks me up and its worth it...just not every single minute...and their lies my GUILT. I DO NOT ENJOY BEING A SAHM EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY. there i said it.
Finances work themselves out. I never believed that, but its true. So you won't have a cool car...sounds like your on the minivan track anyway, LOL. Vacation smacation...you'll miss the kiddos too much anyway. Think more in terms of "weekend away"...or send the kids to grandmas! Thats free and you still get peace and quiet. When you factor in the cost of daycare, guilt, work stress, loss of sickdays due to daycare, crappy boss, commuting, gas prices...
ok. enough rambling for me. i know you can do it because you want to do it. you've talked about it since i met you. hope you are feeling better.
(Brandi)
How adorable! Don't forget to enter her in my costume contest starting Wednesday!
It took us a long time to have our first child and it was a stressful time because we were concerned that we may not be able to have children of our own. Eventually we had Metalgirl. Then I talked my wife into having a second one and it took us far less time to conceive. They are only 22 months apart which is closer than we figured we would have kids. Yet we do what we can. We have had to make some changes, but it works out for the best eventually.
OMG look at that cuteness!
You guys are so in sync, birds singing, sun beaming down. You will totally figure it out. Whatever feels right. Don't let guilt rule you either way if possible. (HA, if you only knew how hypocritical tha tstatement is coming from me.)
Lisa
The cuteness of the Fairy is killing me...
Jenn, I think Mike has such an open heart about your staying home... just embrace it and do it... you'll be surprised at how things fall into place!
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