Girls Rule... Boys Drool

Marriage Counseling – Therapy Session #2
Setting: John and Jen are sitting on the couch, holding hands. The counselor approaches and takes his seat.

Counselor: Welcome back. How have things been going? Is there anything in particular on your minds today?

Jen (smiling radiantly): Actually. I have no complaints. Everything has been going great!

John (sarcastically): Everything is going great because you’re getting your way more often.

Jen (surprised): What does that mean?

John: I mean, we’re living by your rules.

Counselor: Rules?

John: You know, rules. As in, females make up the rules. And we, men, have to make a choice. Either we follow the rules they set or we live a more challenging life. You see, Jen is going to sit here and deny that she has any rules, but she doesn’t even know all the rules which she has created. She only becomes aware of them if I don’t follow them.

Counselor: Huh??

John: Okay. Number one. Jen is never wrong. That is, in her mind she is never wrong. But if she is wrong, she will justify it somehow by saying something like, “well, if you didn’t make me do so-and-so then it would never have happened”.

Jen: I really don’t know where this is coming from. Here I thought things were going great. What do you mean I make up all the rules? I’m never wrong? Well, if I was wrong then it was probably because of something you did that led me to my mistake.

John: See what I mean?

Jen: Besides, it’s a full-time job having to think for three people plus myself every…single…day.

John: Three people?

Jen: Yeah, three. Jasmyn, Jordan, and YOU!

John: Right on time. A perfect segway into Rule Number Two – Jen believes that she needs to do the thinking for me.

(At this point John and Jennifer have stopped holding hands and are now sitting on opposite ends of their chairs.)

John (takes a deep breath): And number three: Jen can get angry or upset for any reason at any time. Many times I don’t even have a clue as to why she’s angry or upset.

Jen: That’s so not true. Just because I don’t necessarily tell you as it happens, there is ALWAYS a reason for my being upset. It just takes me a little while to communicate, usually because you don’t want to hear it.

John: And again, she leads me to the next rule. The fourth and final rule, which is the most important rule of them all. I’m expected to read her mind at all times. Especially when she’s PMS-ing, pre-PMS-ing, post-PMS-ing; or whatever the cause for her craziness. If she’s never wrong, and I’m never right, then how could I ever read her mind and know that that’s what she really wants? Because, believe me, I’ve tried to read her mind, and I never get it right. If I shook a fortune-telling eight ball, the answer would probably be, “Better luck next time.”


Jen (exasperated): This is the perfect example of why John and I are always having these discussions. I always feel like I’m going around in circles with him because one minute I’m trying to tell him something, the next minute he completely forgets and I have to remind him of it, and then he’ll absolutely swear that I never mentioned it in the first place! And when I finally go bonkers having to remind him then he accuses me of nagging!

And as for these so-called rules. That’s fine, call it what you want. I simply look at them as a daily plan of action. If there was no structure in our lives then the house would inevitably fall apart leaving, who else but me, to pick up the pieces and retain some semblance of organization.

So, let me just take a stab at what I’m sure are my husband’s top three complaints in reference to my ‘rules’:

1) The Family calendar – every week, usually around Wednesday, I sit him down to go over the important things that need to be done that weekend (whether they are a birthday party, a dinner with friends, or a house project). It’s my way of insuring that he and I are on the same page for the next couple of days. He may whine and complain that I’m controlling that aspect of our lives but if you were to call him up to schedule something he would inevitably forget because he absolutely refuses to keep any kind of calendar around. Now that may work for a bachelor but, Hello!, we have kids now and (so sorry to say) but our lives revolve around them. He’s more than welcome to help me in planning things but so far he’s been content to let me run with the reigns.

2) Cleaning – I know this is his all time favorite. Here’s my thing: if we could only keep the house up during the week (small things here and there) then we wouldn’t have to dedicate an entire afternoon on the weekends to clean the whole house. Do a little here and there, save time and energy for when it really counts and have more quality time with the kids on our days off. Capiche?

3) And last, but not least, he stresses when I expect him home at a certain time every night after work. What can I say? I’d like for us to be able to sit down to dinner as a family on a consistent basis. Is it really too much to ask that my children be able to have at least one meal a day with their father each day? But get this, he hates when he gets home only to see them being carted off to bed. What’s a gal to do? Ya can’t have it both ways…y’know?

Counselor: Okay, so from what I’m hearing you both have very good and valid concerns. And these issues are very common in all marriages. However, what we all need to keep in mind is that men and women perceive and react differently to one another. The important thing is that the lines of communication stay open and that you each learn to pick which battles are most important to broach. Of course, every relationship has their own distinct set of ‘rules’ which the couple live by. These are yours, others have theirs; and there’s no way that you can compare it to another. There are no relationships without their own set of challenges. And, the best part of all (despite the friction) is that you never stop learning more about one another. But most importantly what matters most is that you WANT to keep learning more. And that, my friends, is the ONLY rule that should matter.

Our time is up – see you next time.

(Counselor then notices that John and Jennifer are once again holding hands)

For What It's Worth

When Mike and Jenn first met, they would talk about what they wanted out of life. They wanted to live in a country setting, they both wanted kids...that kind of stuff. Jenn said she wanted 3 kids, and that she wanted to be able to stay home with them. Mike said 3 was a bit much for him (different post entirely) but that he would love for the mother of his children to be able to stay home. And then they would smile because they were so in sync and perfect for each other. The sun beamed down on them and angels would sing.

Jenn Said: Before I was pregnant, Mike and I lived together in an apartment. The rent was so cheap that Mike paid for everything with no problem, and my entire paycheck went into the bank to prepare for our future. We weren't married, but we knew that we wanted to share our future together, so it just made sense. Then I got pregnant and we were so happy, but plans started going into overdrive. We started thinking about where we lived and that it wasn't really conducive to having children there (the area, not the apartment). So we decided to just, ya know, look at houses. We weren't in a rush or anything....just curious. Of course once we started looking we got sucked into the real estate vortex and the only way out was to buy a house, NOW! We found a house that we loved! Great neighborhood, lots of bedrooms, just so much for our money. We were hooked! It was a little above our price range (which oddly enough grew higher and higher as we were looking). I was pregnant (like HUGE pregnant), and would love to bring our baby home to a house.

*Insert Life Altering Turning Point Here*
Mike: You realize that if we buy this house you won't be able to stay home with the baby, right?
Jenn: Yea, I know. It's ok.

WAIT, WHAT? IT IS? Ummmm!!! NO IT'S NOT!!!
I was pregnant, what the hell did I know! I was stupid; I didn't know anything about parenting (even though I thought I did). I was the one that said stuff like, MYYYY child was never EVER sleeping one second in MY bed......HA HA!!!!! All I knew is that I wanted that house! Instant satisfaction! Deal with the repercussions later, right?
Well, HELLOOOOOO Later!

So now, even though I said it was ok that I was gonna work, I don't want to work. I want to be home with Allie. I feel like I'm missing the best part of her life. I want to start trying to have another baby sometime within the next 6 months or so, and I want to stay home with that one too. Because paying for daycare for both of them, I might as WELL not work anyway. So why is it that even though we both were so in sync before all of this: I wanted to stay home, he wanted me to stay home; do I now feel guilty for wanting to stay home? Damn that mommy guilt!

I think it's a couple of reasons, and I think they are pretty valid.

1. I don't want all the financial pressure to be on him.
2. I feel like I'm sending him out to slave in the work force while I'm having fun playing with blocks!
3. Cause now I'm going back on my word that I was gonna work. And if I do that, we would have to sacrifice living the way we like to. Also, so I can stay home and play with Allie.

I KNOW I KNOW it's more than staying home and playing. However, she does like day care now, and most mothers work these days. So why am I making a big deal over it? For some reason I just feel like a failure for wanting to stay home....like I can't HACK the working mom thing, so I'm going to force my husband to do MORE so I can do LESS, and he doesn't deserve that.

Of course, then there's always the thing, that once I go through ALL of this to be able to stay home, what happens if I hate it??!?! I guess I'll jump off that bridge when and if I ever get to it.

Mike Said: OK, I do want Jenn to stay home with Allie. I don't know why she's so worried about putting more of a burden on me and feeling guilty about it. I knew what was eventually going to happen. If we were going to have a house in a safe area, multiple kids (which means 2 to Mike & 3 to Jenn) and have one of us stay home with them, we were going to have to make sacrifices. I recently got a new job, which pays me more money, but not enough to support us in our current lifestyle. Sure, if we stayed in the apartment, we could live how we're living now, but be in a crappy area, and having Jenn not feel comfortable enough to walk outside with the baby is NOT worth it.

Once our car leases are up, we're just going to not have 2 brand new cars anymore. I know both of us used to work for a car manufacturing company (where we met) and drove $35k - $40k cars every day, but we're going to have to just learn to except driving around in a 1976 AMC Pacer! (ok, that's a bit much, but you get the idea). We already have numerous nice TV's (cause I also worked for a TV manufactuer), a decent amount of new furniture, some (not a lot, but some) savings, and no credit card debt, so we're in a decent place for us to start to figure out a way for Jenn to stay home. (I say Jenn stay home, not because it's HER role, but because I happen to make more than she does. If the roles were reversed, I'd be the one to stay home.) We would probably figure out a way for her to work from home in some fashion (at night or whatever), so she'd still be helping with the bills. Not even to mention that she'd be taking care of the house and most importantly, our child(ren). I knew this before we got married, and am totally fine with it. No more fancy vacations to the Caribbean or Las Vegas anymore. Instead we're going to have to go camping, and maybe take some local trips to the Jersey shore, but as long as I'm with my family, I don't care.

Daycare is a great thing because it allows kids to learn social skills, but we do know people that have kids, so she can still learn to interact. Once we have our second child, she's going to have to stay home. There's no way we can afford $2k/month in day care. I won't be doing any more than I'm doing now. We'll just have to make sacrifices. Is my family worth it? DEFINITELY!!!! And more!!

Don't worry Babe, we'll figure it out and we'll be fine.

**********

*Sprinkles fairy dust to make her parents stop freakin out for no reason*

Did you find out?

Melissa: Did you guys find out the sex of your kids before they were pregnant? Did you have people ask you and then look at you funny when you told them yes or no? We actually found out with both kids, although they were only right the first time. The second time they swore it was a boy. I believe the exact words were, "oh yes, it is 100% boy in there. Hahaha. If I were a betting man I'd go to Vegas on that." Uh huh. So we went along with it and told everyone who asked and dam a lot of people feel the need to ask. Anyway, dorkass the doctor was wrong and she came out a girl and all was okay in the world. Except if he had gone to Vegas, his ass would be broke. But that's not what I meant to get into in this post. I did have a point, I promise. Or maybe I didn't, I'm not sure at this point. Sorry.

So lets say people ask you and then they are disappointed with your answer. They either feel you shouldn't have known ahead of time. Or if you don't know, they wonder how you could not know. Because they could NEVER not know. And as all pregnant women know, it is all about the people asking. So, they're disappointed and you spend the remaining 4 months or so explaining yourself to people. Why do they care? How harmed are they really, if they can't buy you some fugly ass...I mean very adorable very pink outfit that screams hi I'm a girl until your child is actually born? They all want to know though. Then of course they want to know your name choice, so they can make fun of you behind your back. I mean really, don't you think Blythe Danner was making fun of Gywenth for naming that baby Apple? But I'm not even going there. I have name issues.

You know, when I was pregnant with Nata people started asking me if I knew what she was at like 3 months pregnant. I wanted to say, well I hope a baby. I wasn't one who cared. I didn't even care when the doctor was wrong, except that we went all airplane, dinosaur, and car on her butt, so we did have to take clothes back and buy new ones. Oh and I wish I'd been smart enough to think of a name first. But for some reason it bugs me when people ask if someone knows the sex of the baby and then reacts badly. I've even seen it with strangers in stores. To me, if you don't want to know the truth or you can't handle the truth (haha, I crack myself up) then don't freakin ask. The end.

Nick: I think my wife is a bit delirious. None of what she said makes sense to me. Basically I see it this way. You either want to know the sex or you don't, but either way you get what you get, so people shouldn't bug you about it. Me, I never bug pregnant women, it is rule, numero uno. But that's just me. You have to be smarter that the average tard. Then they think you are sensitive. I, am sensitive, in the sense that I am smarter than 90 percent of idiots out there. You don't ask stupid questions of pregnant women. Or tired/over worked wives for that matter.

We did think Natty was a boy. She flipped the doctor off is what she did. Or us. But we did think we knew both times. We knew with Maya. Both times we told people what we were having. But every time they said that stupid line, oh how could you find out, it is lifes only surprise, I wanted to knock them out. So you are trying to tell me it is less of a surprise because we found out at 4 or 5 months instead of waiting 5 more months? Not so. In fact it is every bit of a surprise, we just cheated and looked early. We wanted to know. We didn't want to call our unborn baby, it. It would have ended up being a long haired midget and who wants a long haired midget for a kid?

Last weekend we were in a kids store and looking at baby clothes for my cousins kid and this woman was really pregnant and she asked us if we had boys or girls and we told her and then she told us it was her first and it was a boy. For some reason, my wife looks friendly or something, so random strangers always talk to her. So, the lady saw that we looked at each other weird and we told her our story. She was shocked. You mean doctors can be wrong? They told me it was 100 %. Yeah we've heard that one. Then she said, oh it must have been a fluke. Well, we know 4 other couples who it has happened too. Yes maybe that is a fluke, but it does happen. So we scared a random stranger. But she asked, we didn't ask her. And we did tell her that her kid would most likely be a boy but she may want to have one girl outfit for a picture and a name just in case. Like I said, my wife looks nice or something.

So basically my theory is don't ask if you don't want to know.

So, what are you having?

solo vacations?

jennster says:
boyfriend is packing right now as i type this for a hunting weekend. a weekend with his buddies. he does this a few times a year. and i'm all for it. i think it's great that he has something he does without me. and i enjoy my alone time. when boyfriend is on vacation, i feel like i get a little vacation too. does that sound bad? i love and adore him. but i also love and adore me. i LOVE my alone time. my alone with myself time. my alone with blakey face time. all of it. i enjoy being in my own company and i rarely get tired of myself. i've never understood the people who simply couldn't be alone. i can stay up late at night and watch whatever i want without boyfriend having to go to bed early, or whining about how badly grey's anatomy sucks. i can rent movies that i know will be bad, but watch them anyway. i can hog up the whole entire bed (even his pillow). i can eat what i want because i'm such a bad cook. i can journal and write. i can play with you guys all night if i want too! party!

before boyfriend left however, he was saying how he felt kind of bad that i don't get to take vacations. hmmm. i'd never even thought about it before, but it is kind of true. he gets to go on his little hunting trips and i don't really go anywhere. i wonder what i can start doing yearly so that i have a getaway that's just girls? i used to go to new york to see my east coast girls, but that has kind of changed the past couple of years. i sure could use the time away with friends. and i'm sure he could use it too. right babe? am i the only one who sees the positive in getaways with your friends?

point says:
Thank god it's finally here and i can get away from that psycho..........

i think solo vactions are extremely healthy i think i even need more of them..............

but in all seriousness i do think they help alot, ease tensions between us.....normally i end up realizing (why the fuck did i say normally, ok pretty much always) how much i miss her and blakey and how lucky i am.

Now im not saying that times are tense, but it's nice to have a reminder of why you want that sprawling freak next to you, taking up all the bed.

OH, and thank god she gets those AWFUL movies out of the way when im gone too....(i'm a bastard, a self admitted bastard, when it comes to movies, music and shows.......i would hate to live with me for soley that reason.....that being said i don't think i'll ever change.) I just want to ram ice picks in my ears and eyes.

Now i wonder if my little vacation does the same for her (staying home) as it would if she went somewhere?? i dunno, prolly not, because when she goes somewhere she gets out of the house and stops with her O.C. cleaning habits..............and enjoys herself. and vise versa. i get to be a filthy pig again and walk around in my tighty whiteys, drink beer at 10am and watch war movies and nascar......

i hope to hell she leaves to go somewhere soon.

gratuitous engagement pic below: